When I look back, my life has changed in spades over the last couple of years since Andrew asked me to marry him. There has been some really fantastic times and - to be fair - really bad times money wise, health wise etc. Sometimes I feel that I want to stop the world and get off, life goes by quickly - which is a great when times are bad, but sometimes I just want to be........
I just want to sit in the sun and smile and say life is fantastic. Don't get me wrong, I thank my lucky stars every day that I have the most fantastic family and friends. My husband is wonderful and my children are too. We've got a roof over our heads and we are fed and warm. All the things that we take for granted - and we all do it.
It'll be nice to win the lottery, I dream of what I would do if I won it. just like everyone else. Andrew and I argue over what we would spend the money on, we imagine what it would be like to be worry and debt free, however in the grand scheme of things the chances of that happening are slim. I mean would that make us any happier? Yes for a while. Then we would probably have something else to worry about.
Someone once told me that I should stop wanting things and just be grateful for what I have. I took this on board and then I thought to be fair if we didn't want things - or want to achieve things, that's when our life stands still. Hopes, dreams, and goals are what keep us going. If we don't have a dream, how we gonna make a dream come true........... says the song - and its true. How many of us write down what we want to do in the future? How many of us write down our goals? Our dreams? Our ambitions? Well I do, I re-evaluate my life every 3 to 4 months, I have long term goals and short term goals. My short term goals have always been achievable, the goal posts may have changed but I always get there in the end. I plan how I'm going to get there. I work hard at making it happen. It never goes the way I plan it but it always works out well in the end.
Take for instance, wanting a new car. I was suppose to achieve that by September last year, but stuff got in the way, we had to pay out for other bits and pieces and the money we saved towards the car went on birthday and Christmas presents. So money wise we had a good Christmas because of the money we saved, whereas the Christmas beforehand we were so skint that we had sleepless nights thinking how we were going to make it happen - in the end we did, but we were miserable.
I know someone will tell me its not about the presents and the giving and receiving but I love to give presents, the look on peoples faces is priceless to me. However this year we had the money, but I had cancer and had a breast removed just before it. Somehow Christmas was achieved in between morphine and pain, down to my good organisation skills and my good management of money . The car came in January. So the goal posts were moved quite considerably but I got there in the end.
So no its not about the money, of course we need it, just as we need our hopes and dreams. The goal posts may get moved and you may have to swap one dream for another dream, but normally that dream when it comes true is nearly always better than the orginal dream. The satisfaction of achieving things in life has always kept me going.
So how am I tackling the cancer thing......well most of the time I feel pants, I could play the victim and give in, or I could just get on with my life, and on the days when I feel really grim, I just wear extra make up, and an extra big smile. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that's what everyone should do - its just the only way I know how. Then friends say to me - "you don't have to put a brave face on with me - I know you remember". Then I have a little pity party. Maybe a little cry, a feel sorry for myself moment. Then reality strikes and I know that I am one of the lucky ones. I will survive ( another song there) I will be cured and my life will go back to normal. There is a big light at the end of my tunnel and it glows extremely bright. So what if I've lost my boob, I've got a new one, at some they will both match with a new nipple and everything. When I'm 80 they'll still be pert and not hanging down by my knees. See free boob job on the NHS!
So what if I've lost my hair, every day I get to look like someone different. I am now matching my wigs in with my outfits. Today I am rock chick! Tomorrow I might have a 50's vibe, who knows.
I don't have to shave, I have learnt that every day I can change my eyebrows to match my hair, make up and I look good. I don't look like the victim. People don't stare at me and say " Bless her shes got cancer" So I'm not going to play the victim.
Cancer has not got in the way of my hopes, dreams and ambitions. It's moved the goal posts and time limits, but I am still achieving great things. I am still moving on with my life and if cancer stops me from doing what I want to do - well I just work my way round it.
Tomorrow is a Chemo day - yes I hate it, yes it makes me feel ill, but every session I have brings me closer to my next goal. Tomorrow I'll be half way through. I go onto another type of chemo next time which will bring another set of symptom's. My doctor today told me that the reason I am having such a high dose is because she knows its the best course of action for me. She knows its tough, she pulled no punches and told me that I will feel even worst this time. .... but I know that, I've just got to grit my teeth and get on with it.
So here's to a great future whatever it may bring.