Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Where I get all philosophical...........

Most of you are aware that I haven't written - again - for sometime but hey ho time goes on and you get caught up in  -well life, I suppose. So I gave it a tremendous amount of thought before I decided to put fingers to keyboard - so to speak.

When I started this blog I did so because it helped me to write down my feelings, feelings of frustration of how much more can I take? Why me? Most importantly, how the bloody hell am I going to get through this little lot? That was in November 2012.
 I decided that I would get through it all with lots of love and laughter ( not everyday you understand, some days I felt damn well sorry for myself) however it never occurred to me to sit down and think of doing it any other way. That's just the way I'm made I suppose.

If I pause for breath and think about it some more, there are a quite a few difference ways to get through cancer. Oops there it is again that word, yet that word has helped me realise what I really want out of life. No biggie here but it's helped me redefine my goals and dreams, sometimes they're a bit cloudy other days I think will they really happen?  Yet they tend to remain the same.
The biggest one being - get paid what you are worth and don't accept anything less.
The second one is - take time to see all the wonderful things around you.
Third is  - don't worry about what hasn't happened yet.
Lastly and most importantly, we don't control what happens in life but we can control how we choose to cope.
It's fair to say that some people get dealt a better hand than others, I am one of those people that didn't get the best hand - but before you go all moral on me. I am truly grateful for the hand I have been dealt. It's meant that everything wonderful that has happened has all been because of me and my hard work and for that I am truly proud of myself. I earned it. ( High 5 Wendie - oh yessss! )
I always knew these things, but was never completely accepting of them. I was always too nice, or too soft or too scared. Now I think what's the worst that can happen?
I'm sure stuff will come along and I will revert to type - for a while anyway, then I will get my head out of my arse and march on, setting goals, pushing myself, living my life the best way I possibly can, not giving up. Yes, of course I will procrastinate - so what? Sometimes when you don't fulfil you're dreams and goals it doesn't mean you have to stop dreaming and setting more. Take for instance my life in 2012, I was happily self employed working hard and running up and down the motorway for little or no monetary reward - now I've decided to work on that. No longer am I happy with not getting paid what I'm worth.
 So, I've taken all the experience I have, what I've gained -  through all the careers I've ever had and  of course life experiences - and I'm switching careers. I've set my sights high, yet I've been told not high enough, but slowly, slowwwwly...I can work towards that - another goal!
When my Dad died 3 months ago he left me a little bit of money, I wanted to honour his memory and I thought he would be pleased, so I have invested it in planning my future.
I've revamped my CV,  revamped the way I look at how to achieve the job that I want. Hired a project manager and although this was going along nicely, I was getting somewhere and my confidence was picking up, then... in the middle of all this my operation came up for my breast reconstruction..... it was much earlier than anticipated.
 All the hard work I put into achieving the dream job has been put on the back burner and whilst I was recovering, I felt sorry for myself. Again doubt crept in... however...
 I realised that the goal posts may have been moved a tad,  but my goals are still the same. I can still achieve what I want, so what if it takes a little longer? So what if I decide to move my own goal posts along the way?  I will never give up.
Yes money is in short supply in our household as Andrew is the only breadwinner, but he is successfully carving his career and for that I am extremely happy. Yet every day I still feel the guilt, I've always earned my own money and asking him for some- is still painful. However, he is my husband and I would do exactly the same for him, if need be.
Yes I will need a further operation and yes I will always be a tiny bit scared that cancer will enter my life again, but I decided long ago on this journey, that I cannot and will not let it hold me back. Cancer does not define me.

Looking at what we have and what we have achieved in life gives me a buzz every day. From the view outside of the window to realising that the world we live in is beautiful. When I worked for the NHS quite a few people on my team were discontented with what our country had to offer, I didn't understand them then and I now amplify that more then ever.
There is so much good out there, so many beautiful people and places. Things that happen in this country generally make me smile and immensely proud of who I am and where I was born.
 Watching the daffodils blooming is a miracle, watching Sports relief, people raising money and coming to people's aid. Wow! it blows my mind - and yes there will always be the negative side of everything but - that's life and we have to accept that not everyone shares the same views.
There will always be the moaners, the morons and the damn right miserable buggers. Again that's their choice.

When I was young I wanted to change the world, it took me years of growing up to realise this was never going to happen. I wasn't disappointed - frustrated a bit maybe, but - and as I teach my children. Always be nice to people, especially the miserable ones, after all your smile and your kind words may make their day. Always be mindful of others feelings and yes sometimes I can be as blunt as a spoon - but I am learning.

I am trying hard not to worry about things that may happen, I have learnt a new mantra, "what's the worst that can happen". I've had to push myself out of my comfort zone and believe me I like it in there. I've had to make myself do things that I know I can do, but never had the confidence to carry them out and most of all I've had to stop worrying about the maybes and the what ifs.
Quite frankly they have never really been as bad as I have anticipated. The amount of time I've thought what if this happens, what if that happens, the sleepless nights etc, and if it does, well then you are never prepared for it anyway. So you have to get your head round it and deal with it. There's no other way, and as previously mentioned I tend to laugh my way through anything bad that happens. After all I have looked death in the face twice now and I'm still here.

Control - do we always have control? - maybe not, but we have choices, we always have choices. Do we give up or do we carry on believing in ourselves? Do we put our faith and trust in others, or do we become too scared to move? So many choices. Personally I believe that whatever choice we make in life we learn from it and we grow from it. We may not understand people's choices but we should be respectful of their reasons for making it. Remember they are not you.

You may be asking yourselves why has she written all this philosophical babble... well its just me coming to terms with how wonderful my life is, how my choices and journeys have been full of wrong turns, wrong choices and no immediate lights at the end of tunnels, but I muddled through, as one has too, it doesn't make me an inspirational person, but it makes me human and a very humbled and thankful one at that. Now that's what defines me......

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