Sunday, 2 December 2012

Thanks for the memories

This week's been one of the best week's ever. I've been spoilt rotten, taken out, taken away and had fantastic presents, cards and great words of love and friendship. In between all this frivolity, I've had blood taken, an ECG, x ray and just about every other test you can think of. I've been asked question after question about family history, past illnesses and medications that I'm taking. In between all this I've managed to have a laugh with all the nurses and doctors who've seen me, we've played guess the weight of the boob.            ( Obviously I will of course lose weight when its gone ) bit of a strange way to lose weight but well beggars can't be choosers  So that'll be at least 4 pounds I reckon!

Today while hubby and I were on our weekend away, in-between Christmas shopping - I really must stop spending now -  I found a shocking pink wig for when I start chemo - my son was not impressed, especially after I wore it with my black ear muffs to show him how cool his mum looked. I've also purchased a shocking pink sports bra that I'm taking in to the hospital to wear after the operation. I've also got some shocking pink false nails that I plan to wear as soon as I am able to. More new pyjamas, Christmas socks and to top it all a Christmas gift bag to put my chest drains in. So I think I'm all set. I did however draw the line at the Christmas nipple covers we saw in Ann Summers, although my husband was all for it!

I just hope that I can keep up with my positive attitude. If I'm honest I'm fed up with waiting, its been more than a month since I found out and even though I'm trying to stay upbeat, a couple of times today I've felt a bit tearful.  I've watched women go by with fabulous hair and I've looked at all the beautiful underwear in the shops that I can't wear for a while but most of all,  last night in the hotel after we came back from the fantastic restaurant that Andrew had booked we got chatting to a couple in the hotel bar. They had just taken early retirement aged 60 and were planning to spend the winter in Spain. All I could think was - am I going to get old with Andrew? Will we ever be in the situation where we can go away when we retire? Will I see my children grow up? Silly I know, I've got the mind set that I just want my boob taken away and replaced with a new one that isn't going to kill me but it doesn't make it any easier. When I look at myself in the mirror naked and see what I've always seen albeit a large scar running from just below my sternum to my pubic bone. I wonder what it will really be like this new boob will the scars heal as well and as quick as I did last time on both my chest and my back? Will the new boob be a good match, and will it look okay when I dressed and when I'm naked?

 So I've decided that I'm not going to read any more leaflets and booklets on breast cancer as it depresses the hell out of me. Instead Andrew has bought me Miranda Hart's -  Manuel for life, and I downloaded Mr Buble's Christmas album on my I pod. So unless he decides to turn up at my bedside and serenade me, I think I've got everything I possibly need to keep me upbeat and Christmassy. I just wonder if I'll be able to watch the X Factor final without my normal glass of wine in my hospital bed?

So this time next week, I'll have a new boob albeit no nipple, my pain should be controlled and I'll be thinking about coming home to see how the kids have decorated the tree and the house. To be fair at this present moment in time the house being decorated seems more daunting. So hopefully once we get this big hurdle out of the way ( the boob not the Christmas Deck's ) I'll then have the 2 and a half week wait till I get the results. So I'd best be prepared for that. One step at a time Wendie - one step at a time.....................

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