Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same

Today as the big op draws near I have cancelled all my plans. Plans which involved meeting up with friends. Don't get me wrong I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself -  reason is I'm sick to death of talking about cancer. Granted no one prepares you for how you're going to feel, you have to just get on with it. No - what's worse is there isn't anyone who can tell you how to deal with those around you, those special people who you love. Each and every one of them is different and no booklet, leaflet or professional who specialises in cancer can tell you how to deal with them - they don't know them like I do.  At this present moment in time - my husband who is always 100 miles an hour is asleep on the sofa - it is 8.15 in the morning. He looks shot to bits. When I talk to him he tells me he is so worried about me but he is exhausted. My son who is a very private 15 year old, hovered around me last night and kept hugging me, as we sat down he poured out how sad and scared he is. We talked and talked and have done our best to convince him that mum will be okay, he tells me that we have been here before and he is sick of it. My heart breaks a bit more for him and I cling to this tall man-child who is so brave yet so fretful, his eyes glistening with unshed tears and I curse cancer for doing this to him.  My daughter is in bed, I took one look at her exhausted white face this morning and told her to go back there. Filled up a hot water bottle and tucked her back under the covers. When we talked to her last night she tells me that she is not worried for me as she knows what a fighter I am, but her face tells another story - she is trying to be brave and carry on as if nothing has changed - but everything has changed. Apart from the fact that I cannot make this right for my immediate family. I also have friends and family in shock, friends that cannot talk to me as they break down in tears. Parents that are in disbelief that their daughter has got to go through this again and a sister that doesn't have a clue what she and my nieces should say to me. This horrible illness  affects everyone - and I cannot make it better for any any of them.
I am worn down and stressed out by looking at those around me. I want to rant and rage and scream because  my children should not have to go through this again. My husband's shoulders only have a certain broadness to them and my poor dad who is 80 next year does not know what to say to his little girl. My mum well she lives in New Zealand and I cannot imagine how she feels.

So all I can do is remain cheerful, stay positive and keep fighting for all those close to me. I am bloody well damned if I am going to let this stop me from living my live with the people that I love. I cannot allow anyone or anything to change my mindset, all the wonderful support I have had is immense but at the end of the day I've got to do this myself. 

Tomorrow is my last day until I go in for the operation. I've got a list as long as my arm on last minute bits I've got to do. So on Thursday I just have to get up and go to the hospital. I am assured that very good care will be taken of me. I just hope that while I'm away very good care will be taken of my family..........

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